Ask Allison: I am jealous of my much wealthier friends
Q My daughter started school this year and I have become friendly with a few of the mums.
There is a group of about five of us who meet regularly for coffee. They are all very nice, but they are a lot wealthier than me. This is causing me to feel really dissatisfied with my life and finances, and I hate that feeling. We are doing OK – my husband works very hard and I work part-time, it is just that this group of women are very wealthy. I am worried that this feeling will only grow as time goes on.
My daughter has been on play dates to a few of their houses but I am too embarrassed to ask them back as our house is small. I am thinking of phasing out the friendships as I really don’t want to feel second best all the time. Am I horrible? Have you any suggestions as to how I should phase out the friendship without being obvious or burning any bridges?
A Of course you are not horrible, you are a normal human being and you are feeling uncomfortable that you are experiencing some jealousy and judgment. No one is perfect; allow yourself to feel these feelings without internalising them as assertions as to who you are as a person.
In our society, it is easy to feel at the wrong end of the social comparison stick, whether through real life, like you are experiencing right now, or through the show reel of social media.
Too many experience these social pangs of feeling ‘not good enough’. As the social mirror reflects a contorted reflection of your perceived identity as somehow ‘less than’, based purely on your friends’ outward appearance of wealth. Wealth is overvalued in society. It is incorrectly correlated with the notion of what success is. Don’t put a price on your head to see your real value.
Wealth isn’t health.
Wealth can’t buy love or relationships or feeling close to another.
Wealth can pay the bills but it can’t build a home.
The bigger question is where is this feeling of inferiority coming from within you? Ask this gently, it is not an accusation. Where did you see others being judgemental of themselves or others?
Try and remember who and when harsh remarks or comments were made in relation to feeling ‘less than’ in relation to those who had ‘more’ in a monetary sense.
I know this is not the answer you were looking for, I’m just putting a reflective pause in, with some questions to give you the space to understand what is driving the behaviour to avoid and turn away from what seem to be good friendships.
What would it be like to accept the feelings you are having?
What do you think that means about who you are to have the two ‘J’ thoughts of ‘jealousy’ and ‘judgment’?
Now, bring in a huge dose of compassion as to the judgment that is coming from you about your own feelings of insecurity and inferiority in comparison to the group you are in.
I’m sure you have heard it a thousand times, but ‘comparison is the thief of joy.’
Friendship in adulthood and with other women can be so helpful and supportive especially through the trials and tribulations of being a parent.
A really important question is ‘do you like these women’? ‘Do you get on well?’ ‘Does your child like them?’ These are questions I’d like you to reflect upon and answer before you walk away.
If you choose to walk away after that, it is your choice which you have every right to choose.
Do you feel judged by these women? What do you think they would say if they knew what you were thinking and feeling? You know these women, and everyone is different so have you gotten a judgemental vibe off some of them?
When there is a large difference in wealth it can provide difficulties in friendships socially, from the affordability of going places, restaurants, wine lists to holidays to the deeply personal comparison of homes, cars, clothes etc.
On top of that uncomfortable feeling, if their wealth status places them in your mind at a perceived higher level of ‘first’, it can leave you feeling perpetually ‘second best’.
Competition and comparison often hold hands quite uncomfortably and can squeeze the joy out of the friendship if you come away feeling worse about yourself, your family and your life.
If upward social comparison continues in each new interaction it can leave you feeling helpless and really negatively impact your own self-concept.
To counter-argue this, research shows that friendship as opposed to being by yourself, is a better option.
One possibility I put forward to you, is to try out Carmona and Buunk’s ‘identification-contrast model’ which simply means to find what similarities you share with the ‘better-offs’.
This problem-solving framework can give a strength-based perspective that can help you through these uncomfortable situations by offering hope and a way through.
Have you ever considered saying how you feel? How do you think that would be received? The best connector in friendships is to be open and to show some vulnerability. Speaking our embarrassment aloud can diminish any feelings of shame and inferiority.
No matter how much money someone has in the bank, friendship is a hugely valuable commodity to your well-being.
The decision is yours, it can be so hard to dig deep into uncomfortable places but it can also be immensely cathartic and illuminating.
If you have a query, email Allison in confidence at [email protected]
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