Single parent's teen survival guide
Let’s start with a disclaimer. I am not an expert, a psychologist, or a behaviourist. I am a parent of teens aged 16 and 18, which makes me all three with added David Attenborough, and conflict resolution skills to rival FBI hostage negotiators. Anyone who parents teens will know this, because you are too. (Unless your teens are unnaturally well behaved, in which case this is not for you.)
When it comes to teens, cultural context is vital; if your young adults are growing up on a wifi-less remote island or inside a walled community, their exposure to sex, drugs and the current equivalent of rock’n’roll – grime, drill, Snapchat – may be considerably reduced. Let’s assume your teens, like mine, are out in the world. Below follows not advice, exactly, more a sharing of gathered experience from the parental hive.
■ Empathy
The most crucial aspect of parenting teens is empathy – yours, because theirs hasn’t developed yet. Remember what it felt like to be a teenager? Restless, crawling with hormones, rebellious, fearful, fearless, excited, independent, incapable, insecure, self-conscious, self-absorbed, risk-taking – and desperate to experiment, to experience what everything feels like, the more illicit the better.
Also, to fit in with peers, to be respected, and feel part of the group. And to be left the hell alone by smothering, interfering, clueless, infuriating parents, once your every material, practical and financial need has been uncomplainingly met by them.
Remember all of that? This is what you are dealing with now, except from the other side of the parental fence. Now it’s your turn to ensure that the fence does not become electrified, or barbed, as your teens rev up to trample all over it. And, of course, all over you.
■ Battle picking
Freaking out that your teens’ bedrooms are disgusting is a massive waste of emotional labour, as is freaking out about their latest piercing or stupid eyebrows. Or their sudden penchant for Pot Noodle, if they’ve been raised on whole foods, or an inability to budget even a fiver. Let it go. Save your energy for the big stuff. Like when they arrive home in a garda car, or end up in A&E after too many internet drugs. I’m not suggesting these things will happen, but remain prepared. They might. Throw away your rose-tinted spectacles.
■ Let’s talk about sex
Unlike preceding generations, when it was all about the biology, current teen-sex knowledge paradoxically includes both far more porn and far more emotional intelligence around relationships, boundaries and positive consent. Some teens are totally Lisa Simpson, proactive and empowered around contraception, organised and informed and relying on peer support rather than you.
If however your teens are more Bart than Lisa, discreetly provide condoms – because they may not wish to talk to you about sex. The idea may utterly horrify them.
■ Sleepovers
When your teens bring their girlfriends/boyfriends home for sleepovers, congratulations – you have created an environment that feels welcoming and comfortable enough for them to do so without embarrassment. Does this mean, however, that you have to say good morning to a new face every time their bedroom door opens? Or listen to them re-enacting scenes from Pornhub? Absolutely not.
Frame sex within functional committed relationships, rather than as a recreational activity divorced from emotional connection, as seen on their phones. Most teenagers are hopeless romantics anyway, not yet battle scarred, so this should not be too difficult.
■ Power dynamics & boundaries
The dynamics of single-parenting teens versus dual-parenting can be quite different. There are advantages to both. The dual-parenting advantages are obvious; you have backup, and someone with whom you can roll your eyes.
However, the advantages of single parenting teens are multiple – no power struggles with the other parent, plus less Us and Them generational divides occur within a triangular family structure. There is also less space for manipulation and playing parents off each other. Your word is law, but your authority is only as good as your negotiating skills. This is why ultimatums are pointless and constructive conversations the ideal. Although no matter how constructive your conversation, you may still be told to eff off. Ten times in ten minutes.
■ Being told to eff off
Brace yourself, because this is going to happen. It’s outrageous, but raging back just escalates the situation. Maintain a wounded dignity. Do not shout back, as this will turn the situation into EastEnders. Make clear that you cannot respond to verbal abuse. Walk away, and breathe. Punch a wall, but privately. Do not, whatever you do, sulk.
■ Weed vs booze
Unless your teens are in training for the Olympics, chances are they will be experimenting with substances, both legal and illegal. Alcohol and weed mainly, although the possibilities are endless. Of the two primary teen drugs of choice, alcohol is probably more dangerous, in terms of aggression, violence, blackouts, disinhibition and falling under buses. However, weed is illegal, demotivating, and can trigger mental ill health.
Neither is ideal, but acknowledging your teens’ usage is better than denial. Inform your teens of associated risks, set boundaries – maybe don’t get drunk or high with them – then back off, because they will do what they want, irrespective of your opinion.
■ Supporting while letting go
Despite stiff competition from all the sex and amateur hedonism, this is probably the hardest part of parenting teens because it involves so much tightrope walking. They don’t need parenting as much as personal assisting; let them fall, but be there to help them back up, like toddlers in an adventure playground.
You can’t prevent their hangovers, heartbreak, stupid decision making, poor impulse control, run-ins with authority, friendship fallouts, day-to-day disappointments, crap jobs, or failed exams, but you can be there offering support when it’s needed. Not shoving support and advice at them unsolicited, but just always being there, unshockable, non-judgey, and sane.
This is how they learn resilience – they can’t learn anything except how to deceive if you lose the head every time they do something stupid, which can be almost daily. They need to feel you’ve got their back, even as they turn their backs on you. Told you it was hard.
■ Self-care
Taking the antics of teens personally is a one-way ticket to crisis therapy. Don’t bother. Don’t bother with parenting manuals either, because they don’t know you or your kids or your community. Instead, keep your perspective right-sized by talking to other parents who you like and trust (not ones who will make you feel worse by humble-bragging about their own teens’ A grades and internships at the UN or whatever).
Most importantly, live your own life. Your teens are most definitely living theirs – don’t hover by the door wondering if they are OK. They’re fine. Instead, get on with your own stuff, because one day sooner than you think, they will no longer be dropping wet towels on your floor. They’ll be backpacking in New Zealand, and you’ll have your life back. Be ready for that.
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