Ask Allison: My friend judges me for being well-off – it's not fair

Q I was reading the article [December 16 issue of Health & Living] about the lady who was jealous of her wealthy friends and she was considering leaving the group of friends.

I have the opposite problem.

I came from an ordinary family, three-bed semi with both parents working. I never went to college and I got a good job and worked hard. I was lucky to meet my husband and I love him to bits and we are very happily married. My husband comes from a wealthy family who worked hard for everything they have and I have never had to worry about not having enough money. We live quietly and we are not a flashy couple. Our children are grounded and have forged good careers for themselves.

I have a group of lifelong friends from similar backgrounds to myself and they all did well in their lives. One of the girls constantly makes comments to me like I don’t have to worry about money, etc. I find these comments upsetting. My husband works very hard, he has very little time off. He is committed to his business and his staff. At times he has had to miss important family occasions and he was not always around at weekends to spend time with the children when they were young. He is a great dad and the children know that they are loved and understand our way of life. My husband is kind and loving and his family are everything to him.

I have never challenged her about her remarks as I value her friendship and I would not like to make a scene in front of the rest of the group of friends. I don’t talk about money, holidays or clothes. This friend is always going on short breaks and takes a two-week annual holiday every year. She always looks well and wears nice clothes. We are lucky to grab a week’s holiday depending on the business. I would wish people would not judge others and look a little deeper and see the sacrifices people with apparent wealth have to make.

How should I deal with my friend’s comments?

A Judgment sucks. This surface understanding your friend has of you cuts, as you aren’t out flashing the cash and you and your family’s values are rock solid. Your friend isn’t being a friend. Invariably, I’m sure jealousy is playing a role, but that is still not okay. There are a few ways around this. You could have a conversation with her and tell her how her comments have impacted you. Or accept her as she is, being aware that this will weaken the bond of the friendship even more as you will be less forthcoming with intimate parts of your life and family. Or, you can decide to not be friends anymore.

The last one can prove very difficult for female relationships such as groups of friends as they can keep people together who may not even like each other, especially when you have known each other a long time.

What would you like her to know? You may not feel like sharing the sacrifices that have been made over the years when speaking with someone judgemental, as they can be quite closed-minded. Sometimes, it is accepting the uncomfortable reality that you have no control over how people think. This sits very badly. The core of friendship is being understood and that you belong to a connected , safe and friendly group. The absence of which can be quite blaring in the face of judgment about who she thinks you are.

Write an unedited version of how these comments have made you feel. This is your version. Dig a little deeper for yourself and attend to why these comments hurt so much. As I mentioned above, you feel misunderstood, deeper than that, it is very uncomfortable when someone judges you based only on outward appearances.

It’s a really flippant attitude to think that because someone has money that it has been easy for them. From what you have said, I can really hear the sacrifices you have all made and the impact it directly had upon you. You know you are loved and in a committed, healthy relationship but you have also worked hard in supporting your husband and provided the time for him to do the job he is doing.

When children are young, that puts a major strain on the mother. I don’t hear resentment from you on this but you are fully aware of the realities of those sacrifices. I’m guessing your husband is self-employed, and only people who are not self-employed say things like ‘you are so lucky.’ But there is a value on the loss of time, the loss of support when children are highly dependent and the loss of being together, which I can hear you all value.

The financial security has come off the back of a long line of hard work. It is obnoxious for another person to tell you that you have no worries just because you have financial security.

Call out the remarks that she has said to you, now imagine saying what you would like to say back to her. What would that feel like? How did it feel to hear yourself putting a clear boundary of what’s okay and what’s not acceptable to say to you?

How do you find boundaries in life in general? How do you feel about getting your needs met? Do you feel you have permission to stand up for yourself in this situation, as her comments seem to undermine your right to say ‘I’m really upset by your comments’? It’s very underhand to comment on someone’s financial status as you wouldn’t say to someone ‘I can’t help but notice that I’m considerably richer than you’ or ‘you are much poorer than me’. Both seem ridiculous things to say, her comments are the same, they are just more covert which can make bringing them out in the open more difficult as the likelihood of them being minimised with a deflective ‘you are being so silly or sensitive’ is high.

I have noted that many people minimise their hurt or worries as they feel they would be judged externally by others that they have it easier because they don’t have financial worries. You have a right to say when something is not okay or if it hurts you.

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