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10/06/2020

Kara Keough Bosworth is still learning to live with the grief of losing her son, McCoy Casey.

In April, the actress and her husband Kyle Bosworth said goodbye to their days-old son McCoy Casey, who died after having experienced "shoulder dystocia and a compressed umbilical cord" during his birth. On Tuesday, the grieving mom shared a black-and-white photo of her holding her son and kissing him, wishing in the caption that he could kiss her back.

"Six months ago, I laid my eyes on you for the first time. I turned your big body around then looked at Daddy with a mixture of shock and pride and said, 'It's a boy.' Three hours later, I limped into the NICU to start what would be my first and last days of kissing you. Somehow, I kissed you a lifetime's worth of kisses in six days. All without one kiss back," Keough Bosworth recalled.

"I still think about what it felt like to kiss you, and that I never got kissed back," she added. "It all still makes my throat ache like I'm being choked. I hate that the thought of kissing you creates this painful and involuntary spasm. I'd much rather be thinking of that involuntary happiness spasm that would overtake your body as a 6-month-old."

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Six months ago, I laid my eyes on you for the first time. I turned your big body around then looked at Daddy with a mixture of shock and pride and said, “It’s a boy.” Three hours later, I limped into the NICU to start what would be my first and last days of kissing you. Somehow, I kissed you a lifetime’s worth of kisses in six days. All without one kiss back. I still think about what it felt like to kiss you, and that I never got kissed back. It all still makes my throat ache like I’m being choked. I hate that the thought of kissing you creates this painful and involuntary spasm. I’d much rather be thinking of that involuntary happiness spasm that would overtake your body as a 6-month-old. Oh what I’d do to see those little joyful jolts, with your chubby arms air-pumping and flapping while your legs do that spring-loaded kick combo. Would we be dropping a nap, hearing you laugh, starting solids? Would all my shirts have drool pools on them? Would nursing you prove to be more of an Olympic effort around this time? And just where am I supposed to put all this love? This love that I reserved just for you? I still put it in you, of course. The love doesn’t leave just because you did. It’s a hard lesson to learn. I was feeling my love for you spilling out of me, in the form of tears, guttural sobs, and that worthless guilt. But there are better ways to feel my love for you. Missing you something terrible doesn’t have to be the only way to miss you. I want to miss you wonderfully. As in, full of wonder. Recently, your Daddy held me as he told me: “Each day, when you feel that strong breeze, or the sun hits your face, or you hear our daughter laugh… that’s our son loving his mama.” I considered the beauty in my life and how, like your Daddy said, each one of those little happy winks are you loving me. It’s you kissing me back. And that made my throat soften, and my heart open. And that, my boy, is the gift you’ve given me. A heart broken wide open is still an open heart. We love you, McCoy. And we miss you something wonderful.

A post shared by Kara Bosworth (@karakeoughboz) on Oct 6, 2020 at 6:49am PDT

Kara Keough Bosworth Shares Tribute to Late Son on What Would've Been His 4-Month Birthday

Keough Bosworth imagined all the sweet moments she would be sharing with McCoy right now, seeing "those little joyful jolts, with your chubby arms air-pumping and flapping while your legs do that spring-loaded kick combo."

"Would we be dropping a nap, hearing you laugh, starting solids? Would all my shirts have drool pools on them? Would nursing you prove to be more of an Olympic effort around this time? And just where am I supposed to put all this love? This love that I reserved just for you? I still put it in you, of course. The love doesn't leave just because you did," she wrote.

The reality star then said her love for McCoy has been "spilling out" of her in the form of "tears, guttural sobs, and that worthless guilt," adding that she wants to miss him "wonderfully" instead of "terribly."

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At four months old, we’d be seeing the Real McCoy by now, the face we could look back on later and say “Oh, see, right here, that’s when he starts looking like Mack.” Instead, every bulky blonde boy I see is you. That’s just one of the million cuts of losing you so soon, I’m forced to imagine the faces of your stolen future. Your first gummy smile is a mystery. The sound of your voice, like the roar of the ocean in a seashell: it’s just in my head and only if I listen really closely. The paler folds of your sun-kissed and chubby wrists stay tucked away and hidden. The curls bouncing on your two year old head, cut short. The shape of your legs, crushingly resistant to the metamorphosis that would take you from baby-to-boyhood right before my eyes. It’s all a blur now, all the ways you could have been you. You in your wedding day suit, dancing with me to a song we picked together… that’s all just a dream. And that’s what you’re starting to feel like now – a dream. Did this really happen? Did we ever really have you at all? The answer is a resounding yes, of course. And we always will. I notice that your name is our new “Hallelujah!” Every time the world gives us something beautiful, we shout your name. A butterfly floating in our periphery, “McCoy!” Rows of lavender in unexpected places, McCoy! A rainbow over our house, McCoy! A pod of dolphins on the horizon, McCoy! A warm breeze, McCoy! Lillian’s last round of chemo treatments, McCoy! A pregnant friend, McCoy! And (so slowly) finding our joy among our pain – McCoy! We see you, baby. We love the way you’re showing up for us and opening our eyes to the beauty all around us. We’ll be seeing you again some day, McCoy(!).

A post shared by Kara Bosworth (@karakeoughboz) on Aug 6, 2020 at 6:47am PDT

RELATED: Kara Keough Bosworth Posts Heartbreaking Tribute to Late Son: "You Would Have Been 2 Months Old Today"

"Recently, your Daddy held me as he told me: 'Each day, when you feel that strong breeze, or the sun hits your face, or you hear our daughter laugh… that's our son loving his mama.' I considered the beauty in my life and how, like your Daddy said, each one of those little happy winks are you loving me. It's you kissing me back," she ended her post. "And that made my throat soften, and my heart open. And that, my boy, is the gift you've given me. A heart broken wide open is still an open heart. We love you, McCoy. And we miss you something wonderful."

Keough Bosworth, who is the daughter of Real Housewives of Orange County star Jeana Keough, delivered McCoy during a home birth on April 6.

She had originally planned to welcome her and Bosworth's second child at a hospital, like they had for their now-4½-year-old daughter Decker Kate. However, amid the ongoing coronavirus crisis, the couple decided a home birth made more sense for their family, as Keough Bosworth could have her doula by her side.

On April 14, Keough Bosworth announced to her followers that McCoy had died and "joined our Heavenly Father and will live forever in the hearts of his loving parents, his adoring sister, and those that received his life-saving gifts."

She also revealed that she was donating her baby boy's organs, and has since used her social media to open up about her grief and how she and her family are preserving McCoy's memory on the 6th of each month.

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